Thursday, January 17, 2008

Telstra and ANZ... Not Close Chums

Telstra began three quarters of a century ago, when Australia was brand new. They delivered letters mostly, and sent telegrams, and their mobile phone coverage was rubbish. They were called Austalia Post in those days. Later they became known as Telecom, but there were too many 'Telecoms' on the international market, and the government didn't like having to run the behemouth it had become, so they made 'Telecom Australia' into 'Telstra' and sold just under half of it to outside investors.

ANZ is over a century old. They used to transfer funds from one account to another, and still do. They have big vaults somewhere, probably underground, but they don't tell any one where they are. Clues to the location of this treasure are hidden in the documents of Edmund Barton. The acronym stands for 'Australian and New Zealand (Bank of)'. ANZ has always been an incorporated company. In this way, it traces its origins back to the Dutch East India company, which everyone knows was founded by pirates on a dare.

Telstra gave up on Australia Post during the second War of the Worlds, instead concentrating on its network of messenger pigeons to provide mobile coverage to every Australian. The scheme was put to an end when, in nineteen fifty three, passanger pigeons in the United States unionized and created an Extinction Level Event for the telecomunications industry.

In 1987 ANZ, along with most other banks in the world, suffered from "Black Wednesday"; on August 13, every orbital stock broker super computer crashed. The sudden rain of firey debris raised ocean temperatures by an average of 4.3 degrees Celsius.

In '96 the War of Independance created two factions in Telstra, the loyalists, and those who supported 'Optus', or 'The Option' of an alternate telecomunications company. At this point, most comunications were carried out with experts using smoke signils. The time of the fire ant had not yet come.

ANZ took 'the Option' and uses Optus for its magic fire ant communications systems.

That's why Telstra and ANZ are not close chums.


Caris said...

It's not true that ANZ doesn't tell anyone where the underground vaults are. I mean, they will tell people, but... generally it's a bad sign. Like, you'll find out when the mob has you tied to a chair in an abandoned wharehouse at Jamaica docks, and are about to put a bullet in your brain.

Not that ANZ is linked to the mob, no, not at all.

David said...

I' afraid I can't comment