I can guarantee this article contains no annoying hyperlinks to Wikipedia.
Step into my swirling machine with the flashing lights now as I take you back to the long ago year of 1999, when men were men and marriage was sacred and unpopular. As we descend toward Brisbane we find a younger me in the to-be-demolished Festival Hall (where I first learned to love live music), moshing in a very different mosh pit. Twas the first referendum in god knows how many years, and I had an opinion to vent.
My apologies. The machine has settled in the toilet stalls. Follow me now out through the antiseptic haze of scents into the main arena where the tangy waft of stale atmosphere still holds the odor of last nights fight between Costa and Fennick. Wait, let me disengage the Extrapolator. Okay, now we have a more accurate reading. This massive space just stinks of stale air and thousands of voters still reeling from the oh-so-wonderful-and-can't-ever-see-such-a-landslide-victory-ever-ever-occurring-ever-ever-again liberal voters shuffling in ques of jurisdictions, and in the morass, me almost a decade younger.
Our mission, my absent audience, is to slay this young tool.
There I am, at the voting poll now. I am deciding not to go with the republic, basically because I don't agree with the the preamble to the Constitution which talks about "Mate ship" and other "Australian" shit like that.
I'm behind me now. Ready to slide the knife between my ribs...
And now here I am with my shiny, spinning machine. Shit, grandfather paradox.
Okay, I'll have to take some time to reconfigure the machine to go to the future. Hopefully, I'll only need a few months. I just need to make sure that the debate about a change of governing style, from a constitutional monarchy to a constitutional republic, isn't confused by a stupid debate about the continuation of the Australian flag. That we don't care about our long and wonderful history as a penal settlement of Fantasy Island, sorry, Great Britain. That we actually do what's right as opposed to what we've always done, and that we realise it doesn't mean we can't still beat every one at the commonwealth games.
I'm off to the future now, and I'll let you know how it all went in just a second...
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